Masonic Humour

I would like to use this small corner of our web site to show the lighter side of Masonry.  Feel free to contact the webmaster if you have any jokes or humour to share with our Brethren.  Some of these jokes have been floating around for years and I really would appreciate any assistance in expanding this section.

A Jewish couple lived on the first floor of a two story building that housed a Masonic Temple on the top floor.  One day the man told his wife that he was going to find out what the Masons were up to, so he went into a closet and stood on a chair to listen to what the Masons were saying above him.  It just so happened that the Masons were doing a 3rd degree that night.

Suddenly the man comes running into the livingroom, grabs his wife, rushes her out to the car and starts speeding away as fast as the car can go.  His shocked wife asks him what's going on and he says...

"Those Masons just killed a man and said they were going to blame it on the Jew below"

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football field he is passing.

"What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines.  The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."  

"What's the score?" asks the first man. 

"I don't know, it's a secret."

While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.  I asked in what way?  She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.  Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.  Oh fine was his reply.  I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.  No, was his reply.

So why read the book there? 

Well he said "Its the only TILED room in the house"....

A tired old mason whose hair was gray, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he  had done the most, he said he had replied to the Visitors Toast. St. Peter said, as he tolled the Bell,

Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.

A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car  broke down.  The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his bicycle.  Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke.  As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.  Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

Bro. John and Bro. Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting.  When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks:  "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?"  John gives a quick look and whispers:  "You remember the installation meeting last year ?"  Mike acknowledges and John goes on: "Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub where I met this lovely woman.  Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them.  I told my wife I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !"

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Waukesha Lodge  #37."  St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room.  The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks.  Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.  He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when  someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.  The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it.  St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master?  "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years.  They had promised each other that the first to go to the  Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like.  By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.  One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!"  He looked around but saw nothing.A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed," are you in Heaven?" 

"Indeed I am" said Bill. 

Pat paused for  a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" 

"There certainly  are, Pat.  There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street.  The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic  Fellowship is all pervasive."

"My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad.  Tell me old friend, what is the matter." 

"Well, Pat, you are right.  I have some good news and some bad." "OK, so what's the good news?" "The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat. "What's the bad news then?" "You're the Senior Deacon!"

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? 

A: It's a secret!

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.

Q. How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

2 to complain that the light doesn't work.

1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge.

3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.

2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.

3 to argue about it.

5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.

2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."

1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.

1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says,  "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree."  Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.  "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree."  So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922.  "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask.  His reply:  "I was learning to subdue my passions!"

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:

She) Well how'd it go?

He) Very well - most interesting.

She) What did go on ?

He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.

She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me ?

He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.

She) What do they do - if you can tell me ?

He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....

She) And the Holy men ? What of them ?

He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!" After due thought, he said... "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate  Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left  foot."

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble.  So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason's apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on.  

He said "how much is the one with the masters apron on?"

"$2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck." 

"No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on?"

"Well, that one is $1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner  workings, but will always prompt you when you're learning it."

"No, too much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on?"

"You can have him for $10.00."

"Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" 

"Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!"

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground.  Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.  A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.  The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon."   Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.  

One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" 

"Why do you say that?", the other asked. 

"Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

Knife and Fork degree

I do not attend the meetings

for I've not the time to spare.

But every time they have a feast

you will surely find me there.

I cannot help with the degrees

for I do not know the work.

But I can applaud the speakers,

and handle a knife and fork.

I'm so rusty in the ritual,

it seems like Greek to me.

But practice has made me perfect

in the Knife and Fork Degree.

Dear Worshipful Master,

I can not answer your summons because I have had an accident.  I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new Masonic Temple.  When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building.  Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240lbs of bricks.  You should note that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.  This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.  Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold  tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope...

Have you heard of the Lodge that was holding its meetings in the ball room of the local hotel while it’s building was undergoing renovations?

One night a traveling salesman asked the desk clerk who all those men going into the room were.  The desk clerk replied "Oh, those are the Masons."

The salesman said, "Oh, I've always wanted to join that lodge.  Do you think they would let me in?"

"Oh, no," said the clerk.  "They're awful exclusive.  Why, you see that poor guy standing outside the door with a

 sword?  He's been knocking for six months and they still won't let him in!!!"

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.

The candidate replied "a beer". 

At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.

"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it.  In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.

"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly.  So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can  drive to Hawaii."

"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie.  "Don't you know that's impossible?  No Genie could do that.  It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power.  You will have to make another wish."

"OK," said the Master.  "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"

"Hmmmmm," said the Genie.  "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

A Mason is on a Business Trip. One day he comes to a small village, somewhere in the north of England. Our Brother is curious to know whether
there is a Masonic Lodge or not, so he takes a walk through the village and after some time he finds a path called "Mason's Road". Thinking that the path might lead to the Masonic Temple, he follows it. At the end of the pathway he sees a building, which looks somewhat rotten and
seems to have been out of use for quite a while. Our Brother tries to open the door and, surprisingly, it is not locked. He goes inside and finds dust
and spider webs everywhere. In front a door there sits a skeleton, wearing an apron , a collar and holding a sword in its hand.

"O my God", thinks our Brother and enters the Lodge room. In puzzlement, he sees skeletons with collars and aprons everywhere. The W.M., the Wardens, the Organist, Deacons - all skeletons. He looks around and goes to the seats of the Secretary and Treasurer.

Under the hand of the Treasurer he finds a small piece of paper, a little note, which he seems to have passed to the Secretary. So our Brother picks up the note, blows away the dust and reads: "If nobody prompts the W.M., we will sit here forever!"

The local doctor was called to the house of the Senior Deacon whose wife was seriously ill.
"Please doctor, save her," cried the Deacon.
"I will pay anything, even if I have to sell everything I own."
"But what if I cannot save her?" asked the doctor shrewdly.
"I will pay you whether you cure her or kill her!" cried the Deacon.
A week later the poor woman died. The doctor sent the Deacon a huge bill.
The Deacon suggested they went to the Grand Lodge and let the Grand Secretary
arbitrate and they would both be bound by the decision. This was agreed.
The Grand Secretary who knew the doctors reputation asked, "What was the agreement?"
"He agreed to pay me for treating his wife whether I cured her or killed her"
"And did you cure her?"
"No."
"Did you kill her?"
"Certainly not!" replied the doctor.
Said the Grand Secretary, "Under what contract are you claiming your fees?" 

A newly raised MM was dating the girl of whom he had always dreamed and after one particularly great date, she invited him in as her parents wouldn't be home for several hours.

Well, after a time hugging and kissing on the sofa, the new MM reached across his girlfriend to shut off the light when she said, "Oh, my Dad has a ring just like yours!"

He immediately asked if he could use the phone and quickly explained the situation to the Master of his Lodge who as quickly advised him to " ... take off one shoe and go to work as a FC."

WORSHIPFUL MASTER
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

SENIOR WARDEN
Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

JUNIOR WARDEN
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind
Is almost as powerful as a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet
Walks on water of a swimming pool
Talks with God if special dispensation is given

SENIOR DEACON
Barely clears a garden hut
Loses a tug-of-war with a train
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

JUNIOR DEACON
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by trains
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Doggie paddles
Talks with the animals

MARSHAL
Runs into buildings
Recognizes trains two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life vest
Talks to walls

STEWARD
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo choo's"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
HE IS GOD !