Masonic Anecdotes and Stories

Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can trully rely on him".

Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?" "Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."

Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced."

"Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him." So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.

"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one."

"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"

Just as he reached the top of the hill near the Lodge, his chain broke. As the Lodge was very near the bottom of the other side, and all he needed was a quick hit on the backpedal brake, he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free wheeled the bicycle down to the Lodge.

Later that evening in reply to questions at dinner, he explained how proud he was to be a Freemason, and how puzzled he was by the Master.

You see, he had told no one about his travel adventure and could not figure out, how the Master knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

A Quaker Mason formed one of an indiscriminate company of cowans at an inn, where the landlord was also a Brother. Numerous jokes were cracked at the expense of the Fraternity, and the Quaker was called upon to show them a Mason's sign.

One of the company offered to give him a bottle of wine if he would comply with their wishes; and, at length, though with much apparant reluctance, he agreed, on the condition that the wine should be immediately produced, and that the individual consented to receive the communication privately; the Quaker adding: "Friend, if thou does not confess to the company that I have shown thee a Freemason's sign, I will pay for the wine myself."

The proposition was too reasonable to be refused, and the curious candidate for Masonic knowledge retired into another room with his formal friend. When there, the following dialogue took place:

Quaker: "So friend, thou are desirous of seeing a Freemason's sign?"

Cowan: "I am."

Quaker: "Canst thou keep a secret?"

Cowan: "Try me."

Quaker: "Good! Thou knowest that our friend Johnson (the innkeeper) is a Mason?"

Cowan: "I do."

Quaker: "Very well." Then taking him by the arm, he led him to the window. "Dost thou see that ramping lion which swings from yonder upright post?"

Cowan: "To be sure I do - it is our landlord's sign."

Quaker: "Good! Then friend, our landlord being a Freemason thou art satisfied that I have shown thee a Freemason's sign, and thy bottle of wine is forfeited. For thy own sake, thou wilt keep the secret."

The cowan returned to the room with a look of astonishment, confessed that he had received the desired infromation; and the mystery, which he had purposely observed,tempted others to purchase the secret at the same price.

A brother from Eastcote Lodge sadly passed to the Grand Lodge above. At the pearly gates he was met by St Peter who, seeing he was a Freemason, suggested he visit the Masonic Clock Room.

Some days later he returned, and asked why the thousands of clocks all showed different times. "They are Masonic clocks, one for each Lodge . Each advances one second every time a mistake is made in Lodge ritual"

Some weeks later he returned to St Peter again. "I wanted to find the Eastcote Lodge clock, to see how we compared to the rest, but I can't"

"Eastcote?" laughed St Peter, "That one is in the kitchen!"

"Why?"

"Well," replied St Peter, "the electric fan was broken..."

By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.

One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!"

He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"

"Bill" Pat exclaimed, "are you in Heaven?"

"Indeed I am" said Bill.

Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said " Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"

"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better than any we have seen. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."

" My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."

" Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."

" OK, Whats the good news?"

" The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"

"Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?"

" You're the Senior Deacon! "