If Clinton's lips are moving, he's lying.
My mother was the travel agent for my guilt
trips.
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
War is God's way of teaching us geography
!@#$%^&*
the most widely used computer term worldwide.
"A
committee is twelve men doing the work of one." -- John F. Kennedy
"A
day without laughter is a day wasted." Charlie Chaplin
"At
last I'm organized," he sighed, and died.
"Extreme
remedies are appropriate for extreme diseases." -- Hippocrates
"For
example" ........Is NOT PROOF!
"Grey
poupon"? Nah ya got BIRD poupon your window!
"Honest
is the first chapter of the book of wisdom." -- Thomas Jefferson
"Honesty
is the first chapter in the book of wisdom." --Thomas Jefferson
"I'd
like to grow very old as slowly as possible." -- Irene Mayer Selznick
"I'm
a lawyer."
"Honest?" "No,
the usual kind."
"If
you want a friend in Washington, get a dog." -- Harry S. Truman
"Kissing
is the glory of the human species." -- Tom Robbins
"Life
is a lemon and I want my money back!"
"Little
men don't have time, big men FIND time."
"Man
is Dog's idea of what God should be." Holb. Jackson
"Some
people are wise, other people are otherwise"
"User"
- a technical term used by computer pros. See idiot.
"Virtue
is not hereditary." -- Thomas Paine
"When
in doubt, tell the truth." M. Twain
"When
you have faults, do not fear to abandon them." -- Confucius
"Why
Johnny can't read"- Now available on VHS
"Why
care for grammar as long as we are good?" A.Ward
"You
will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm." -- Colette
"You're
not a realist unless you believe in miracles." -- Anwar Sadat
"trust
your mother, but cut the cards"
*I*
didn't do it, the *computer* did it!
... Do
Sexy electrons have Current Affairs?
1 Minute
Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
2
wrongs don't make a right - but 3 lefts do!
3 boxes
keep us free: Ballot, Jury, and Ammo.
4 out
of 5 doctors agree: 1 out of 5 is an idiot
5
billion years the earth takes to form, and we get THIS?!
5 min
on Fri afternoon is longer than a weekend
54% of
all statistics are made up. No, make
that 82%.
90% of
being smart is knowing what you're dumb at!
A FOOL
And His MONEY Are ASKED To Go Everywhere ....Somebody Has To Pay!
A
bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
A belly
button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
A big
enough hammer fixes anything
A bird
in the hand's better than one overhead
A book,
a friend, a song, a glass, a chaste loving lass.
A
budget is a family's attempt to live below its yearnings.
A
chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A clean
desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clean
disk is the sign of a sick computer
A clear
conscience is merely the result of bad memory.
A clear
conscience is a sign of a bad memory...
A clown
without a job is nobody's fool.
A
contented man is always rich.
A cynic
smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
A
diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing...
A dry
sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere
A fool
and his money is my kind of customer
A fool
and his money were never too close to begin with.
A fool
and his money . . . Hey! Where's my wallet?
A fool
searches for a greater fool to find admiration.
A
friend in need, is a real pain in the butt.
A girl a
day keeps the wife away.
A good
angle to approach any problem is the try-angle.
A good
catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years.
A good
scare is better than good advice.
A
grudge is too heavy to carry.
A
hangover the wrath of grapes
A hard
drive is not a long auto trip
A
liberal's generosity is only limited by your income
A
little humility will loosen a binding halo.
A
little late is sometimes worse than never.
A low
yield atomic bomb is like being a bit pregnant.
A
mighty oak is the result of a nut that held its ground.
A miser
is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
A
mistake is proof that someone tried anyhow.
A
mistress is about halfway between a Mr. and a mattress?
A penny
saved is taxable at 100%
A penny
saved is a Congressional error
A
politician don't steal elections. He pays for 'em!
A
programmer's work is never done. <Sigh!>
A
provable god is not God. --ZP
A
rooster clucks defiance. I
understand: I'm a lawyer.
A
seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago
A
simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
A
single fact can spoil a good argument
A smile
is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
A
unisex society will eventually cease to exist!
A wise
man once said.....I don't know.
ACLU - American
Criminals Lobbyist Union
ADVENTURE:
The land between entertainment and panic.
ALIMONY:
Corruption of Middle English "Ale ye money"
ASCII
stupid question.... Get a stupid ANSI.
Absolute
statements are false.
According
to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Accuracy
is a duty and not a virtue.
Actually,
I'm only 21 years old -- Celsius!
After
dinner, he said "your modem or mine"
After
forty, life is just a physical maintenance job.
After
the eighth day God said... OK MURPHY, you take over. :-)
After
they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Age is
never a bar to human immaturity.
Ah know
what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?
Ah yes,
but did you read the REALLY fine print
Air
bags...Inflation we can live with!
Air
conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
Alimony:
Bounty after the mutiny.
All
have photographic memories. But some ran out of film
All
life is six to five against. -Damon Runyon
All
people smile in the same language.
All
warranties expire upon payment of this invoice.
Always
be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Always
do right: Gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always
forgive your enemies. THEY HATE THAT!
Always
remember that you are unique...just like everyone else.
America
has no native criminal class, except congress. Mark Twain
An
Egyptian King passing gas is a toot uncommon.
An
armed man is a citizen, an unarmed man is a slave!
An
armed society is a polite society!
An
elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An inch
of dog is better than a mile of pedigree.
An
optimist is someone without experience.
An
optimist is a person without much experience...
An
ounce of pretension's worth a pound of manure...
And
don't start a sentence with a conjunction
Anger
is a wind which blows out the lamp of reason.
Annoy a
fanatic: Present him with facts.
Another
smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit.
Any
fool can criticize, complain and condemn --and they usually do!"
Anyone
can walk on water, just know where the rocks are.
Anyone
who can't wait a week for a gun shouldn't own one.
Anything
free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything
you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Apathy
Error: Don't bother striking any key
Archaeologist:
one whose career lies in ruins
Are you
running Windows or is that just an XT
Arguments
with brick walls are rarely productive.
Arguments
with brick walls are rarely productive.
Art,
like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.
Arthritis:
twinges in the hinges
Artificial
Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.
Artificial
Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Assumption
is the mother of all screwups
At an
age where wild oats have turned to shredded wheat
At
least those who drink know what to blame everything on
Atheism
is a non-prophet organization.
Atheists
Have No Invisible Means of Support.
Avoid
Tunnel Vision Wear Blindfold In Tunnel
B.Gates
: quality software ::R.McDonald : gourmet cuisine
BIGAMY:
One spouse too many MONOGAMY: Same
idea!
BREAKFAST.COM
Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
Back Up
My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
Backup
not found: (a)bort (r)etry (p)anic
Bacteria:
The only culture some people have.
Bacteria:
The only culture some people have.
Be
assured you have scored a point when your opponent ignores it." --ZP
Be
brave. Even if you are not, pretend to
be. No one can tell the difference.
Be glad
you don't get all the government you pay for!
Be
silent; folks think you're stupid. Talk, and they know
Beauty
is in the eye of the beer holder....
Begin
well, end badly; begin badly, end worse
Behold
the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
Being
paranoid doesn't mean they _aren't_ out to get you!
Better
a diamond with a flaw than a perfect pebble.
Better
is the enemy of good enough...
Better
to be religious with your eloquence, than eloquent with your religion.
Big
talk never compensates for small accomplishment.
Bigger
isn't necessarily better - take a look at Windows!
Bigot:
Someone winning an argument with a liberal
Bigots
will not reason, fools cannot, slaves dare not.
Bill: I Did Not Cheat On My Wife! I Was Multitasking..
Birthdays
are significant. Without them you're dead.
Bits
make bites, but nibbles turn me on!
Black
Holes were created when God divided by zero!
Black
holes are where God divided by zero.
Blame
San Andreas - its all his fault.
Blessed
are the young who will inherit the National Debt
Blessed
are the pessimists, for they have made backups..
Blessed
be the pessimists for they hath backups
Born
Free....TAXED TO DEATH!
Borrow
money from pessimists. They don't
expect it back.
Bunnies
hopping backwards -- are they a receding hareline
Bureaucracy:
That place always in need of a laxative.
But
honey, I wouldn't be up as late on a faster machine
Buy
great books even if you don't read them.
CA
bumper sticker: Cover me, I'm changing
lanes.
CLINTON
- from the people who brought you Billy Beer!
CLINTON.SYS
bad, cannot recover ECONOMY.USA
CON is
the opposite of PRO - i.e. Congress and Progress
Can You
Imagine Conning Eight Cats Into Pulling A Sled?
Can you
get Modem Addictus from a CALL girl?
Capital
punishment is for them as ain't got no capital.
Castrate
- the hotel rate for actors.
Catastrophe:
Award for the cat with the nicest buns
Cats,
proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.
Celibacy
is not hereditary.
Cereal
Killer Strikes Again! Cap'n Crunch found dead...
Chances
are if your folks were celibate you will be too.
Change
is inevitable -- except from a vending machine.
Character
is much easier kept than recovered.
Chastity
can be cured, if caught in time
Chastity
is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
Cheap
things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Chirpes:
n, A canarial disease, no tweetment.
Chocoholic: Blood type M&M positive...
Choosey
cats prefer Microsoft mice, 10 to 1!!
Clearly,
the information superhighway is a toll road.
Climate
is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Clinton
Cruise Lines - Taking America for a Ride!
Clinton's
Disease: Acquired Truth Deficiency Disorder.
Clinton:
Full of promises that go in one year & out other.
Cole's
Law: Thinly sliced cabbage w/ sugar and
mayo.
Comming
in 2nd means you won first prize at losing!
Committee
(n) - A creature with 12 stomachs and no brain.
Committee:
A lifeform with 12 legs and no brain.
Committees
keep minutes and lose hours.
Common
sense is not so common. --Voltaire
Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible
Complement
three people every day.
Computer
Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computer
lie #1: You will never use all the disk space
Computers
all WAIT at the same Speed!
Computers
are like sex --- Your wife decides WHEN !!
Computers
eliminate spare time
Computers
make very fast, very accurate mistakes
Computers
run on smoke -- if it leaks out, computers broken
Conclusion":
the place where you got tired of thinking.
Conference
management is like trying to herd cats.
Confidence
is important; the computer can sense fear.
Confusion
is the only true road to understanding.
Consultant:
Computer knucklehead with business cards
Couldn't
double recipe, oven won't reach 700øF!
Crime
is politics minus the excuses.
Crime
wouldn't pay, if the Government ran it.
Crime, Sex,
Alcohol, Drugs... God, I love Congress.
Curiosity
never killed anything but a couple hours!
Curved
Universe Theory: What goes around comes around.
Cut my
pizza in six slices, please; I can't eat eight.
DO NOT
ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality
DON'T
play STUPID with me...I'm BETTER at it!!
DOS
never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"...
DOS=HIGH?
I knew it was on _Something_...
DOS=HIGH?
I knew it was on _Something_...
Daddy,
why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk
Damn
the documentation -- Full speed ahead!!
Dangerous
Exercise - jumping to conclusions.
Dear
Abby: What diet is best for my FAT file?
Death
& Taxes....at least death doesn't get any worse!
Death
and taxes may be inevitable, but death at least doesn't get any worse.
Democracy:
Your vote counts. Feudalism: Your count votes.
Desk: A
large wastebasket with drawers
Desk: A
very large wastebasket with drawers
Despite
the cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite
the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Diet:
To lose all that FAT, type Format C:
Dime: a
dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Dinner
will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Diplomacy:
The art of letting someone else have your way.
Disaster
is the only thing I can depend on....
Discoveries
are made by not following instructions,
Discoveries
are made by NOT following instructions
Disk
Failure: (C)old boot; (W)arm boot; (S)teel-toed boot
Dissent:
Democracy in action; an act hated by liberals
Do I
straddle the fence on issues? Well, yes and no ...
Do NOT look
into laser with remaining eyeball!
Do Not
Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps
Do
agnostics engage in idol speculation?
Do
invisible cats drink evaporated milk?
Do it
tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for one day
Do not
believe in miracles... rely on them.
Do you
expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Doctrine
is the skin of truth set up and stuffed.
Does
"Bad FAT" mean disk has high cholesterol?
Does
Stevie Wonder what Brooke Shields? <G>
Does
The Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Does
the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dogs
come when you call. Cats have answering machines
Dogs
crawl under gates, software under Windows.
Don
rally two muck on yore spoil chequer.
Don't
accept shampoo. Demand REAL poo!
Don't
assume malice when stupidity will explain it.
Don't
bother pressing that key --- there is no escape!
Don't
bother pushing that key. There is no Esc.
Don't
drink and park, accidents cause people.
Don't
fall in love, it will stick to your face. -Anon poet
Don't
let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you.
Don't
let school interfere with your education.
Don't
overtax yourself; that's the Government's job.
Don't
play stupid with me, I have more experience...
Don't
question authority, it doesn't know either.
Don't
steal - the government hates competition.
Don't take
life too seriously, it's not permanent.
Don't
try to jerk my chain - it's not connected!
Don't
wait for others to be friendly, show them how.
Don't
waste time learning the "tricks of the trade." Instead, learn the trade
Doubt
is the root of education, not faith.
Drink
till she's cute. Stop before you marry
her.
Drive
inexpensive cars, but own the best house you can afford.
Drummer
wanted: Dead Beats need not apply
Duct
tape, not The Force, holds the universe together.
Dumb
Questions are better than smart mistakes!
Dumb
luck beats sound planning every time.
Trust me.
Dyslexia:
it can warn without striking!
EXTRA
CREDIT: Define the universe. Give three examples.
Earth
is 98% full, please delete some bodies.
Eat
more frog legs....Get a jump on the world!
Editing
is a rewording activity.
Education
is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.
Eliminate
Prosperity: Vote Democratic
End
welfare, start with Congress first.
Energizer
Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
Entirely
too many meetings start at 7:30 sharp and end at 10:30 dull.
Entomology:
I fear no weevil.
Error
99: Dead mouse in hard drive.
Error
reading FAT table...Try Skinny one? (Y/N) þ
Even a
blind dog can find a fire hydrant on occasion.
Even if
you KNOW you aren't real, BELIEVE in yourself !!
Ever
stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever
stop to think, and then forget to start again?
Every
absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Every
action has an equal and opposite government program
Every human
being comes equipped with a brain at no extra cost.
Every
man desires to live long, but none would be old.
Every
morning is the dawn of a new error.
Every
solution breeds new problems.
Every
time history repeats itself, the price goes up
Everybody
is ignorant, but about different things
Everyone
complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
Everyone
is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Everyone
says we're a nation of skeptics, I don't believe that!
Excommunicated: On vacation without a computer.
Experience
is what you get after you need it!
Experience--What
you get just after you need it!
Experience:
What you get when you don't get what you want
Experience:
what you get when you expected something else
Experience:
the name given by people to their mistakes.
Expert:
Someone who's made all the possible mistakes.
Explosion
at sperm bank. Nurses overcome.
Exxon -
Greasing the coastline for smoother boating!
F U CN
RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Facts
are simply barriers to the truth.
Failure
is seldom fatal. Success is never
final.
Failure
is the chance to begin again more intelligently.
Faith
isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.
Farfrompoopin
= German word for constipation.
Feel
lucky???? Update your software!
Feudalism:
it's your Count that votesù
Fine -
a tax for doing wrong. Tax - a fine for
doing right.
Floppy
not responding, Format HARD DRIVE instead? Y/N ?
For
Sale: Hourglass to time WINDOWS
For
access to pirate software hit <ctl><alt><del>
For
every RIGHT & PRIVILEGE, there is RESPONSIBILITY!
For
once I'm at a loss for words. Mark down
the date!
For
people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
For
sale: Windows. Cheap. FREE crash helmet.
Forecast
for tonight: Dark
Forget
the Joneses!
Four
food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Microwavable!
Four
out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.
Freedom
has a thousand charms to show, that slaves, however content, will never know.
Freedom
is a hard-bought thing - A gift no man can give.
Friends
come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friendship
takes time and tribulations to grow.
From
the people who brought you EDLIN!
Fundamentalism
means never having to open your mind.
Genius
is perseverence in disguise.
Give
every man thine ear, but few thy voice.
Give
every man thine ear, but few thy voice.
God
gives the nuts, but He does not crack them.
God
gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.
God
heals, but always someone else wants a fee.
God is
Pro-Choice - Isaiah 66:9, Deuteronomy 30:19.
God,
give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
Godiva's
out there doing *what*?
Good
health is only the slowest form of death.
Government
correpution is always reporterd in past tense.
Government
is the only known enemy of intelligent life.
Grape
Nuts? What do they do with the rest of
the grape?
Gravity
doesn't exist. The earth sucks.
Grow
your own dope ... plant Republicans AND Democrats.
Growing
old is mandatory; growing up is optional
Gun
control is being able to hit the target.
Gun
control is a firm grip on a .44 magnum
Guns No
More Cause Crime Than Flies Cause Garbage...!
HANGING:
Bungee-Jumping before the bugs were worked out
HEY!
I'm not a complete idiot - *some* parts are missing!
HUMANS
- useful domestic animals. Popular with
cats.
Had to
fire Steve - he was mounting the tape drive again
Half of
me is paranoid, the other half is out to get me.
Half
truths are also big lies!
Happiness
is knowing someone who read the docs. [1]
Happiness
is not a goal; it is a by-product. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Hard luck:
my wife left me, but her mother stayed!
Harleys:
yesterday's technology at tomorrow's price
Has
that file been saved? No, but we're praying for it.
Have
you seen my mind? It's wandered off
again. *sigh*
He
cannot rule the great who cannot rule the small.
He died
to take away your sins, not your mind.
He who
dies with the most toys--is dead!
He who
hesitates is trampled by the mob.
He who
laughs last probably made a backup.
He who
laughs last...had to have it explained.
He who
overcomes himself is mighty.
He who
slings mud looses ground.
He who
smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Health:
the slowest rate at which one can die.
Help me
decide:Windows or Whore, 4 my $ which sucks more?
Here's
to our wives and sweethearts -- may they never meet.
Hey
Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
Hey
kid..Wanna try a BBS? The first time is free!
High
Speed Modems are Slow to Set up !!
Hindsight
is an exact science ú
Historians
answer questions they are never asked.
History
is an illusion caused by the passage of time.
Honor
thy error as hidden intention.
Horse
sense is what keeps horses from betting on people.
Hot
water heaters: Hot water needs heating?
Houseplants
have a good sense of humous.
How
come pizza gets to your door faster than the police?
How do
they get the deer to cross at the signs?
How do
women get minks? Same way minks get
minks.
How do
you tame a vicious circle?
How
does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?
How
many times do you need to be tolled anyway?
Human
Error - It's all ***YOUR*** fault.
Humor
is to life as shock absorbers are to automobiles.
Hypocrisy
is the Vaseline of social intercourse..
I *did*
read the docs; that's why I'm confused!
I Can't
Seem To Find Time To Procrastinate. Too
busy!
I Don't
do windows... I don't have the time!
I Hate
Virus's, They Make Me Sick
I WAS
born at night...But not LAST NIGHT!
I Wanna
Be a Corporation: Representation Without Taxation
I am
NOT a slob! I'm organizationally
challenged.
I am
NOT indecisive. Am I?
I am
NOT loafing, I am doing research on inertia.
I am as
confused as a termite in a yo-yo!
I brake
for hallucinations.
I can
resist everything except temptation. --Oscar Wilde
I can
see clearly now, my brain is gone...
I can't
decide whether to vacillate or not.
I can't
use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
I
complained because I had no shoes - until I met a man who had no feet!
I
didn't lose my mind - it's backed-up here somewhere!
I do
not go & seek the inexperienced; he comes & seeks me
I don't
do drugs - books are my escape from reality.
I don't
have a solution, but I admire the problem.
I don't
want the whole world, just your half.
I drove
my Lexus to Infinity and now it's a Legend
I
finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it
I got
food poisoning today - Not sure when I'll use it!
I got
lost in thought, it was unfamiliar territory
I had
my head x-rayed today. Nothing there.
I have
a 14,400 bps modem and 1.5bps fingers.
I have
a firm grip on reality. Now I can
strangle it
I have
a rock garden. Last week three of them
died.
I have
a rock garden. Last week three of them
died.
I have
a speech impediment . . . my foot.
I have
dynamic memory, it needs refreshing...
I have
enough trouble single-tasking!
I have
seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT
evidence!
I haven't
lost my mind-=> it's backed up on floppies
I
haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere!
I just
bought a Cured Ham, I wonder what it
had ??
I just
bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had
...
I know
it all. I just can't remember it all.
I know
so little, but I know it fluently
I learn
by mistakes. I'm getting a FABULOUS education.
I love
BBSing: All the social dynamics of pre-school!
I love
mankind, it's people I can't stand. - Linus V.
I love
teachers. Do it wrong and they make you do it again!
I never
liked you, and I always will
I only
wish my mouth had a BACKSPACE key!
I
opened Windows and a bunch of bugs flew in!
I
parked my harddisk - and got a ticket
I
passed my ethics course. I cheated, of course..
I
passed my ethics course. I cheated, of
course.
I
support *MERIT PAY* for Politicians.
I sure
wish Noah would have swatted those 2 mosquitos.
I th in
k my Har d dis k is
Fr agm ent ed !
!! !
I think
I lost my mind. Please watch where you
step.
I
thought about being born again, but Mom refused.
I to±d
yo±, "Never±touch ±he flo±py di±k su±face!"
I
tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just. T
I tried
to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I tried
to drown my problems--but they can swim!
I tried
to smoke some hash, but the corned beef wouldn't light!
I
understand the answers, the questions throw me.
I used
to have money in the bank ... now I have a BBS.
I used
up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I was a
dirty young man - I haven't changed.
I was
arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
I wish
I could get smart, soon enough, to do me some good!
I wish
life had a scroll-back buffer.
I
wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!
I'd
rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.
I'll have
the turtle soup - and make it snappy!
I'm Not
Politically Correct, And Damm Proud of
It.....
I'm
always sincere, whether I mean it or not.
I'm
gonna live forever, even if it kills me.
I'm
having an out of money experience.
I'm in
shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
I'm
leaving my body to science fiction...
I'm
multilingual. I speak Eng., Fox, Basic, & Profanity
I'm not
a Republican, I'm an Anti-Democrat!
I'm not
a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
I'm not
an engineer but I obfuscate like one...
I'm not
fat. I'm horizontally disadvantaged.
I'm not
living in the past, just making payments on it.
I'm not
nearly as think as you confusead I am.
I'm not
young enough to know everything...almost though!
I'm so
horney even the crack of Dawn isn't safe!
I'm too
simple to have a complex. Guess I have a simplex.
I'm
working on my 2nd $million... Gave up
on the 1st.
I'm
worse than a ham --- a ham can be curred!
I've
always been crazy, but it keeps me sane.
I've
had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
IBM
stands for "Inferior But Marketable"
Ice not
found, pour straight to continue.
Idealism
precedes experience - cynicism follows...
If
Clinton is the Answer, it Must have been a Stupid question!
If
Hillary REALLY liked men, she would have married one.
If I
had a memory manager I wouldn't need a computer.
If I
learn by mistakes, I'm getting a FABULOUS education
If I've
offended anyone, my efforts have been rewarded.
If a
right angle is 90 degress, then what's a wrong angle?
If all the
worlds a stage, Can I operate the trap door ?!
If at
first you don't succeed, redefine success
If at
first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at
first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you
If at
first you DO succeed, try not to look so astonished!
If cats
and dogs can live together why can't men and women
If each
mistake is a new one, you are making progress.
If it
tastes good, it's trying to kill you.
If it's
free, it's advice; if it's not, it's counseling.
If it's
really tourist season, why can't we shoot
If it's
stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
If life
were logical, MEN would ride sidesaddle.
If
life's a stage, I want better lighting.
If love
is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
If love
is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If
num(cooks) > max(cooks), broth = spoiled
If only
I could remember half the things I know . . .
If only
women came with pull-down menus and on-line help
If
screwups were dollars, I'd be a millionaire!!
If she
won't live forever, why give her a diamond ??
If
skirts get any shorter they won't be allowed any longer.
If the
only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
If
thine enemy offend thee, giveth his child a drum.
If
voting changed anything they'd make it illegal.
If we
were intended to talk more than we hear, we'd have two mouths and only one ear.
If you
ain't got it then you ain't communicatin'.
If you
don't have enemys, you don't have character.
If you
drink, don't drive. Don't even putt
If you had
one less chromosome, you'd be a Simpson!
If you
knew it, when did you know you knew?
If you
like public housing, you'll love public healthcare
If you
smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you
think education is expensive, try ignorance. --Unknown
If you
think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you
think women aren't explosive, try dropping one!
If you
use roadkill, do you call it chili con carnage?
If you
wanna run with big dogs, lift your leg higher...
If you
want to make enemys, try to change something
If you
were any lazier, you'd slip into a coma.
If
you're not part of the solution, forget it!
If
you're thinking about it, back it up!
If
you've a headache, take Sanhedrin.
If your
mind can conceive it, and your heart can beleive it, you know you can achieve
it.
If your
mind goes blank, remember to turn off the sound.
If your
ship doesn't come in...swim out to it....
Ignorance
is curable... Stupidity is terminial.
Illiteracy
effects 8 out of, like 5 peeple.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
Imagination
is more important than knowlege. -Einstn
Imagination
is more important than knowledge! - Einstein
In
1431, Joan of Arc quit smoking.
In a
VERY weak moment, I started a BBS.
In the
South, the past isn't dead. It isn't even past.-Flkn
Incontinence
Hotline, please hold . . .
Indecision
Clouds My Vision
Infinity:
One lawyer waiting for another.
Insist
on genuine plastic. Don't accept wooden imitations!
Instant
gratification takes way too long!
Is
Multi-Tasking - Reading in the Bathroom ?"
Is a file
embarrassed when it is unzipped?
Is a
m‚nage a trois considered multitasking?
Is the
statement: "Stupid Liberal" redundant?
Isn't
it odd that only sensible people agree with you?
It Is
Easier To Get Older Than To Get Wiser.
It is
easier to be critical than to be correct.
It is
easier to be critical than to be correct.
It is
when laughter is not an option that pain will kill you.
It is
widely acknowledged that Arthur Fiedler was a super conductor...
It said
"insert disk #3" - but only two will fit...
It's a
good day if you don't wake up at room temperature!
It's a
man's world, until he gets home from the office.
It's
hard to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's
hard to tell people what they don't want to hear.
It's
never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's
not a free country, it's for sale.
It's
not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's
not if you win or lose but how you place the blame
It's
the person who has done nothing who is sure that nothing can be done.
It's
tough to be #1 if your friends treat you like #2.
It's
what you learn after you know it all that counts.
It`s
not the fall that hurts it`s the sudden stop.
Its too
bad that stupidity isn't painful.
Jesus
wasn't Hispanic? So how'd he get a Mexican name?
Jimi
Hendrix's modem was a Purple Hayes
Junior,
quit playing with your floppy!"
Junk--stuff
we throw away. Stuff--junk we keep.
Junk: Stuff we throw away. Stuff:
Junk we keep.
Just
between you and me...and now everyone.
Just
bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had?
Just got
a new car for my wife... Great trade...
Just
took an IQ test. It came back negative.
KILLER
SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
KISS is
never more applicable than in configuring computers...
Keep
running, bees can only fly about 3 miles!
Kissing
an ashtray is like liking a smoker...
LSD:
virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
Lawyer:
a cat who settles disputes between mice.
Lawyer:
a cat who settles disputes between mice.
Lead me
not into temptation, I can find my own way
Lead me
not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Liberal
Rule #1: When in doubt, lie.
Liberal
joke: funny. Conservative joke: racist
bigotry.
Life Is
a Sexually Transmitted, Terminal Disease
Life is
full of undocumented features!
Life is
indeed a rat-race - and the rats are winning.
Life is
like a cow. You get out what you put in. But changed.
Life is
like toilet paper; we panic as the end approaches.
Life is
sexually transmitted and fatal.
Life is
too short to learn Word Perfect.
Life's
a FERRARI: it's expensive and goes too fast
Life's
a beach, and then you dive.
Life's
a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute.
Life: A
fatal, sexually transmitted disease...
Life: A
sexually transmitted condition with 100% fatality rate.
Line
noise provided by Chesapeake & Potomac Telephone!
Listen
to the rhythm of the failing bits...
Lottery
(n), A tax on people who flunked math.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand
statistics
Lottery:
A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
Lottery:
A tax on people who are bad at math.
Lottery:
A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
Love
conquers all...until the money runs out
Love is
a matter of chemistry, but sex is all physics
Love
thy neighbor, but not in public.
Love:
two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Love:
two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Luxuriantly
hand-crafted of only the finest ASCII.
MacIntosh:
Computer With Training Wheels You Can't Remove
Madness
takes its toll. Please have exact
change...
Main
Highway open while detour is being repaired
Make it
idiot proof & someone will invent a better idiot!
Make
love not war...Get married and do both
Make my
day, kill a GUI today.
Make
yourselves sheep, & the wolves will eat you
Man has
his will, but woman has her way!
Man is
ice to truth and fire to falsehood
Man is
incomplete until he is married - then he is finished.
Many
dogs have caught one skunk; very few, two.
Marriage
has many pains, but celibacy has no fun
Marriage:
mourning after the knot before..........
Married..
Who me ? ... I can't mate in captivity
!
Masons
love to get fevers. That's when they receive their highest degrees.
Matrimony
isn't a WORD, It's a SENTENCE!
May the
Source be with you-Because I didn't back it up!
Maytag"
is my middle name; I'm an agitator.
Me. . .
a skeptic? I trust you can prove that. . .
Medicine-The
art of amusing the ill while nature cures.
Memory
is not so much unfaithful as selective.
Men
wear their hair in three ways--parted, unparted, and departed.
Mental
Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Mice
don't roll well when their balls are dirty.
Micro$oft
Windoze, version 1523.045e, the Final Fix.
Middle
Age: When knees buckle and belts won't!!
Mike's
Vet and Taxidermy: Either way, you get your dog back.
Mind
full of trivia. No room left for real
knowledge.
Mind
full of trivia. No room left for real
knowledge.
Mind
like a steel trap - rusted shut!
Minds,
like parachutes, work only when open.
Misfortune:
the kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes
will occur, but must you give them so much help?
Modems are
proof that people enjoy torturing themsevles
Mom
taught us never grow old in your heart and mind.
Money
can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.
More
people are run down by gossip than by automobiles.
Most
smiles are started by another smile.
Motorcycles
don't mind if you look at other motorcycles
Mugger:
One who steals money without being elected.
Multitask:
screw up several things at once!
Multitasking
= screwing up several things at once.
Murphy's
Law: If anything can go wrong, NO CARRIER
My HMO
assigned me to Dr. Kevorkian.
My XT's
not slow, it just takes it's time!
My boss
is tempermental. 50% temper and 50%
mental..
My
computer has the dreaded "Not Enough Money" virus!
My cow
died so I don't NEED your bull anymore.
My mind
is like a blotter; soaks it up, gets it backwards!
My
mother was the travel agent for my guilt trips.
My
mother was the travel agent for my guilt trips.
My
other brain is in the shop.
My
short term memory has been gone a long time now.
My wife
is married to a great guy!!
NASA:
There's no such thing as a free launch.
NBC =
Nonsense Between Commercials
NEVER
engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent!
NOTHING:
Often a good thing to do & a clever thing to say
Needed:
Lawyer. Mine died when the ambulance backed up!
Network
management is like trying to herd cats...
Neutrality
pays when your wife and mother-in-law argue.
Neutrality
pays when your wife and mother-in-law argue.
Neutrality
pays when your wife and mother-in-law argue.
Never
accept lemonade from a urologist.
Never
agree with me, it shakes my self confidence.
Never
ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
Never
give up on anybody. Miracles happen
every day.
Never
go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never play
leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never
straddle a fence. Build one or tear it down.
Never
trust anyone who speaks well of everyone.
Never
try to out-stubborn a cat.
New
mail not found. Start whine-pout
sequence? (Y/N)
New regulations
means new jobs for new regulators!
News
Flash: World ends at Ten. Film at eleven...
No I'm
not coming to bed! I've got a brand new modem to use!
No
amount of careful planning can ever replace dumb luck!
No one
can take your Dignity, you give it up.
No one
ever said that freedom was free.
No
program is idiot-proof, idiots are ingenious!
No
sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
No
sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't
work anyway.
No
success in the world can compensate for failure in the home.
No, Not
Tandy", John said realistically.
No,
that chair isn't saved. But we're praying for it!
Nobody
can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
Nobody
notices when things go right.
Not All
Men are Fools, Some are Bachelors!
Nothing
is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing
is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing
is impossible...For the person who doesn't have to do it himself.
Nothing
is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
Nothing
lasts as long as an ugly necktie.
Nothing
ventured... nothing gained... nothing taxed!!!
Nothing's
more dangerous than a mind with a solitary idea
Now and
then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Now is
the WIN.ter of our disc contents." Bill Gatespe
Nowadays,
you're innocent until proven newsworthy.
O Lord,
protect me from those to whom You speak directly.
O Lord,
protect me from those to whom You speak directly.
OK, I'm
weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric.
OS/2,
for those who can walk and chew gum simultaneously
Objects
under T-Shirt are larger than they appear.
Of all
I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Old
Grammarians never die -- they fall into a comma.
Old
musicians never die, they just decompose.
Old
musicians never die, they just decompose.
Old
postmasters never die -- they just lose their zip.
On
Earth as it is in San Francisco
On a
clear disk you can seek forever
On the
other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
One B-2
bomber costs as much as 30,000 college educations.
One who
is always in a stew generally goes to pot.
Only
Tyrants and Criminals need fear an armed citizen.
Only a
liberal could coin the phrase "undertaxed."
Only he
attempting the absurd can achieve the impossible.
Oooh... Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper.....
Operator!....Trace
this call and tell me where I am.
Optical
mice have no balls.
Oral
Contraceptive: I asked her, and she
said no...
Organ
donor: one who rides without a helmet...
Original discoveries, seem so obvious afterwards.
Originality
is the art of concealing your source.
Otis
elevator - good to the last drop.
Our
policy is ALWAYS to blame the computer.
Over
population? If wolves, no. If no wolves, yes.
Over
the hill? Impossible -- I've never been on top!
Overweight
just sort of snacks up on you.
Oxymorons...
"postal service" and "tech support"!
Packwood
sued by Apple for look and feel violation ...
Paper
clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Paranoid:
someone who just figured out what's going on.
Part-time
musicians are semiconductors.
Patience
is the ability to countdown before blasting off
Peanut
prizes inspire monkey contestants.
People
say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
People
who think they know everything really annoy those of us who do."
Philistines
demand David be tested for steroids.
Phillips
Screwdriver: Milk of Magnesia and Vodka!
Piece
de la resistance: She's hard to get next to!
Pilgrims
may follow but there can only be one Columbus.
Please,
God.....not *another* learning experience!
Poetry
is what Milton first saw after he went blind.
Poetry
isn't obscene, its per verse.
Polaroids: What a polar bear gets from sitting on ice.
Politeness:
The most acceptable form of hypocrisy.
Political
Correctness: Ignorance on the march.
Political
correctness is for the differently brained.
Political
promises: usually in one year, out the other
Power
corrupts. Absolute power is kind of
neat.
Power
doesn't corrupt people, people corrupt power.
Practice
safe eating: use condiments.
Precinct
toilet stolen; Cops have nothing to go on!
Pride
is what we have. Vanity is what others
have.
Procrasinators
Anonymous Meeting - Tomorrow
Prodigy
at 9600 is tolerable, sort of like a BBS at 2400.
Prodigy:
Limited minds running an unlimited system
Professionals
are predictable - amateurs are DANGEROUS!
Programmers
don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Proofread
carefully to see if you any words out.
Protect
your bagels, put lox on them.
Psychic
Convention cancelled due to unforeseen problems
Psychoceramics:
The study of crackpots.
Puritanism:
suspicion that someone, somewhere is having fun
Purranoia:
the fear that your cats are up to Something!
Purring....the
sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Put on
your seatbelt....I wanna try something.
Question
authority--especially if you're paying for it.
Quick!
Close your mind!! Something might get in.
REAL
MEN DRIVE SOBER!!*
Radioactive
cats have 18 half-lives
Rainforest:
a scarcity of animals; a plethora of tourists
Raising
pet electric eels has lots of current popularity.
Random:
deterministic in a way I can't determine.
Rap is
to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Reach
the goal perfect peace; empty yourself of all things
Reaching
high keeps a man on his toes.
Read
the docs. Wow, what a radical concept!
Real
knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
Reality
-- a fantasy gone wrong, TERRIBLY wrong
Reality
is a constant intrusion on my dreams.
Reality
is for people who can't handle Science Fiction.
Reality
is simply inadequate.
Reality
is the leading cause of stress.
Red
ship crashes into blue ship ... sailors marooned.
Redundancy,the
spice,the scent,the condiment of language.
Relax?
If I were any more relaxed they'd read my will!
Remember
when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
Remember
when safe sex was not getting caught in the act?
Remember,
To turn down the sound if your mind goes blank
Remember,
all news is biased.
Remember:
Your airliner was built by the lowest bidders
Replace
me with a computer? Why? It won't work either!
Reward
for a job well done: more work
Right
now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time
Roget's
Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with a vocabulary.
Rush
Limbaugh: Purveyor of hate for personal
gain.
Rush
Limbaugh: Chairman of the Bored.
SKILL:
A long, long, long, long streak of blind luck.
SYSOP
(sih' sawp) n. The guy laughing at your typing.
Safe
sex used to mean to put the car in "Park"
Save
Face - Keep the lower half shut.
Save on
toilet paper...use both sides!
Say
something warm and mushy.
"Oatmeal!"
School:Four
walls with tomorrow inside
Seen it
all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Seen
the new Clinton watch? Only $5.95. $54.95 w/tax
Send
Monopoly Money to your Favorite TV Evangelist
Send
Monopoly Money to your Favorite TV Evangelist
Sex
isn't the answer.It's the question.Yes is the answer!
She
wept, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook
She
won't last forever, so why buy her a diamond?
She
won't last forever, so why give her a diamond?
She's
sleeping with Prince Valium tonight..."
Shh! I
have to use my incomplete, divided attention here.
Shin:
Device for finding furniture in the dark.
Siamese
twins move to England so other one can driveù
Since
when is the Internal Revenue a Service?
Skydiving
& Maxwell House: Good to the last drop
Smile
and you'll get one back
Smile! It
gives your face something to do.
Smoke
may indicate you have passed maximum performance.
So
easy, a child can do it. (Child sold
separately)
Some
days you're a bug, other days a windshield.
Some
find fault like there was a reward for it.
Some
get the elevator, some get the shaft!
Some
men are discovered. Others are found
out
Some of
my best friends are people I've never met!
Some of
the best things in life are STILL free!
Some
people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.
Some
treasure the truth so much they use it sparingly.
Sorcerer
parking only; Violators will be toad.
Speed
Kills - Use Windows
Stand
back! I don't know how big this thing gets!
Standards
are Wonderful! So many to pick from!
Starship
captains do it with enterprise
Sticks
float. They wood.
Stop
blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.
Streakers
repent! Your end is in sight!
Strike!
Candle makers refuse to work on wick ends!
Strings,
Percussion, and Celesta - Bartok WAS Country!
Stupidity
does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Stupidity
got me into this mess; why can't it get me out?
Success
comes in a can. Failure comes in a can
not.
Success
lies in achieving the top of the foodchain
Support
the helpless victims of computers.
Support
your local medial examiner - die strangely
Sure
women come with instructions, just ask one.
Sure
you can trust the government...ask an Indian.
Sure
you can trust the Government...Just ask an Indian!
Suture
Self Magazine, the home guide to personal surgery.
Swallow
pride; it's non-fattening.
Swell-head:
Nature's frantic effort to fill a vacuum.
Switch
my bowling & golf scores and I'm just fine!
Synonym:
A word you use when you can't spell the other.
Synonym:
Word you use when you can't spell the other one.
Sysoping:
Not just an adventure, it's a job..
TD þ
Make Your Wife Angry During Sex: Call Her Up.
TECHNOLOGY
Is DOMINATED By Those Who MANAGE What They DO NOT Understand!
THE
ROAD TO SUCCESS IS ALWAYS UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
TV
sucks your brain out through your eyes.
Take
egotism out, and you castrate the benefactors.
Talk is
cheap until you hire a lawyer...
Talking
to yourself isn't a problem; arguing with yourelf is
Taxation
WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
Taxation
is stealing.
Taxes
are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Teach
your children to be birds; not kites
Tear
gas is produced with onions and baked beans.
Technology
Should Set You Free, NOT Make You Crazy"(tm)
Ted
Kennedy's bumper sticker- My other cars a submarine
Ted
Kennedy's bumpersticker--My other car is underwater--
Teenagers
are your punishment for enjoying sex.
Television
is democracy at its ugliest.
Television
is democracy at its ugliest.
That
guy Ibid, he thinks he knows everything.
That's
not line noise -- my modem speaks in tongues!
That's
why God made your eyes; to plagiarize.
The
Bible : Life's Users Manual
The
Bill of Rights: Void where prohibited by law.
The
Clinton Tax and Spend Plan . Just say NO!
The
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new one
The
Four Food Groups: Caffine, Chocolate, Sugar, and Sex
The
Indians had a lousy immigration policy
The
Silent Majority of today are the slaves of tomorrow
The Vet
& Taxidermy: Either way you get your dog back.
The
ability to laugh together is the essence of love.
The
agnostic flea isn't sure there is a dog.
The
best laid plans of mice and men are roughly equal.
The
best way to defeat your enemy is to make him your friend!!!!
The
bigger the company the worse the support
The
cost of feathers has risen. Now, even down is up.
The cure
for boredom is curiosity. There is no
cure for curiosity.
The
difference between doing it and not doing it is doing it
The
dispensing of injustice is always in the right hands.
The
essence of immorality is the tendency to make an exception of oneself.
The
gospel is not ours to edit, it is ours to proclaim.
The
grass may be greener... but HE hasta mow it.
The
irony of life is that no one gets out alive
The
leading cause of divorce is marriage
The
list of things I don't understand is very long.
The
majority is not silent, the government is deaf!
The man
who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
The
mighty oak was once a nut who stood his ground!
The
more I learn the more ignorant I feel!
The
more things change, the samer they get. -Sam Hudson
The
more you run over a skunk, the dumber you are.
The
most important things in life are not things.
The
obligations of courtesy are immutable; those of friendship even stronger.
The
older I get, the better I used to be.
The
only free cheese is in the trap!
The
only thing worse than a real dictator is a spiritual dictator!
The
only thing weirder than fantasy is reality.
The
only thing self-cleaning in MY kitchen is the cat.
The
penalty for bigamy is two mothers-in-law
The
people aren't silent, THE GOVERNMENT IS DEAF!!!
The
real secret of looking young is being young
The
rich aren't like us; they pay less taxes.
The
right to vote is the right to limit terms.
The
road to caloric hell is paved with oreo cookies.
The
road to a friends house is never too long!
The
slippery slope to Hades is oiled with liberal legislation.
The
trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
The
truth is more important than the facts.
The
worst thing about censorship is ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
The
young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
There
are more idiots than ways to idiot-proof anything.
There
are no roads to peace. Peace is the road.
There's
no limit to what you can accomplish,IF you don't care who gets the credit.
There's
no such thing as a too-recent backup
There's
nothing more expensive than ignorance.
There`s
at least one fool in every married couple.
They
call it WINDOWS 'cause it breaks so easily !
Think
big thoughts, but relish small pleasures.
This
road brought to you by Good Intentions Paving, Inc.
Those who
deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. - Lincoln
Time is
the best teacher, but it kills all its students.
Time
may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
To be
born rich is an accident; to die rich is a miracle
To err
is human, to forgive is unusual!
To
laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To live
a fool and yet die wise.
To save
one life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
Tomato
paste: what you use to fix broken tomatoes.
Too Bad
Women Don't have Pull Down Menus and Online Help!
Too
many people have the government confused with parents
Tractor
pulls: for people who can't understand wrestling.
Traditions
are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening.
Transistor:
(n) a device used to protect fuses.
Trash
your "To Do List"; you won't do it anyway. þL. Long
Treat
everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Tried
to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
True
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
True
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels.
Truth
is more of a stranger than fiction -- Mark Twain
Truth
is rarely pure, and never simple. O.Wilde
Try
Milk of Amnesia - when you need to forget
Try not
to unnecessarily or excessively split infinitives
Try to
be a man of value, rather than one of success.
Turn
your 486 into a Game Boy, at the prompt type WIN
Twisted
mind? No, just bent in strategic
places.
Two
most common elements: Hydrogen & Stupidity
Tyranny
is always better organized than freedom. -- Charles Peguy
Ultimate
oxymoron: Cash surplus.
Unable
to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
Unfortunately,
things ARE often what they seem...
Use
Contraceptives at every conceivable occasion
User: a
technical term used by computer pros.
See Idiot
Usually
insane; in lucid moments, merely stupid.
Vampires
don't attack lawyers; bloodsuckers stick together.
Vanity
is the food of fools.
Vegetarians
eat vegetables...beware of humanitarians.
Verbosity:
Refuge Of Those With Nothing Original To Say.
Virgin
Wool: Wool from UGLY Sheep!
WINDOWS:
All form and no substance
WOMAN.ZIP
Great program, no DOCs but fun to unZIP!
WORK
HARDER!.....Millions on welfare depend on YOU!
WORK?
Don't ask...It's a middle class thing...
Wanna
feel old? See if your kids can use a rotary phone.
Wanna
have some fun? Buck the system!!!!!
Wanted:
Programmers. Some assembly required.
Washington
DC: America's work free drug place.
Watch
that East gate, it's murder!
Watch
where you go...remember where you've been...
We all
have our opinions, but mine is correct.
We all
live in a yellow subroutine.
We all
think ourselves special; the world seldom agrees.
We are
born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get wors
We are
drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
We
cannot look to Government. We must look to ourselves.
We
don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
We have
nothing to fear but the atmosphere itself.
We need
more unemployed politicians.
We
should back the Metric system every inch of the way
We're here
for your heart--you *did* sign a donor card?
We've
met the enemy and he prints your money.
We've
met the enemy and he prints your money.
Wear
old clothes when you fight for truth and liberty.
Weddings
rarely go off without a hitch.
What
came first, the woman or the department store?
What
follows 2 days of rain?????? - Monday
What is
forgiven is usually well rememberd.
What
was Clinton doing in Moscow? Studying
economics?
What
was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
What
you become when your system freezes
What
you feed, grows. Plants, Children, Love, Hate, Fear.
When
God forgives, He forgets; we need to do the same!
When I
have trouble writing fiction, I make it up.
When
agnostics die, do they go to the Great Perhaps?
When
all else fails, push the machine off the table.
When
the going gets tough, it's time for a nap
When
they want your opinion, they'll tell it to you.
When
turkeys mate do they think of swans?
When
you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When
you're out of COORS, tough SCHLITZ!
When
you're over the hill, you pick up speed!
When
your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt it.
Where
do I go now that I've gone too far?
Where
law ends, there tyranny begins.
Who is
General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Who
needs a diet? Download a virus to remove the FAT.
Whoever
invented table manners wasn't very hungry...
Whoever
said money can't buy love never bought a puppy!
Why
"Pentium"? Because 486 + 100 = 585.9999998734295
Why are
there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why bother
phoning a psychic? Let them phone you!
Why did
Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do
we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Why do
you need a spelling checker? Isn't your
modem error correcting?
Why
drive yourself crazy? It's such a short walk
Why
experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?
Why
experiment on animals with so many liberals out there?
Why
would anyone want to be a sysop? Fame? Fortune?
Will
Rogers never met Bill Clinton.
Will
the sound of one hand clapping turn off my TV?
Will: A
dead give-away.
Windows
IS NOT a virus. Viruses do something.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Windows:
Proof that Bill Gates should've finished college
Winners
are losers who never give up.
Winning
isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Without
Time, everything would happen at once
Woman
will be the last thing civilized by Man
Women
& Cats do as they like; Men & Dogs had better get used to it.
Women
DO come with instructions... just ask one!
Women
must be in the mood, men just in the room.
Women
who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Worry
is interest paid on trouble before it is due. -Shugar
Wow..
is that a haircut, or some gardening accident?
Write
injuries in dust, benefits in marble.
Writing
to Washington won't help - He's dead!
Y'know,
if Quebec separates, we're going to have to buy new globes.
Ye
shall know the truth, & the truth shall make you mad
Years
of insanity have kept me from going crazy
Yes,
God was on our side, but the referee was French.
Yes-men:
Fellows who hang around the man nobody noes.
You can
kiss a nun, but you can't get into the habit.
You can
tune a piano but you can't tuna fish
You
can't have everything. Where would you
put it?
You
can't shake hands with a chinched fist.
You go
to heaven... God sneezes... what do you say?
You
know I'm sick when I expect people to be honest.
You
take the house, car, & kids, But I want the computer!
You're
making progress, if each mistake is a NEW one
You're
never too old to learn something stupid.
You're
never a loser until you quit trying.
You're
only young once. You're immature
forever.
You're
only as old as the woman you feel.(G.Marx)
Young
at heart... slightly older in other places.
Your
E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage
Your
brain: C:\> Your brain on drugs:
C:\WINDOWS\>
Your
hair's thinning" "Who wants fat hair?"
Your
karma just ran over my dogma.
Your
religious freedom ends at my skin.
Youth
is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old age a regret. Disraeli
ZModem:
big bits, soft ASCII, nice blocks!
Zebra:
a sports model jackass.
Zebra:
a sports model jackass.
Zen
Crafters - enlightenment in about an hour.
Backed
up my hard drive.. and smashed into a bus ---
Bit
bucket: binary spittoon or digital cuspidor
Children
are taxing, but they're deductible.
Photons
have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Crime
wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
When
the mind is ready, a teacher appears. - Zen *
You
have the right to remain silent.... USE
IT!
Lawyer:
a cat who settles disputes between mice.
Life is
like toilet paper; we panic as the end approaches
Spare
yourself many hard falls; don't jump to conclusions!
In this
world a man must either be anvil or hammer.
We are
born naked, wet and hungry. Then things
get worse.
Four-wheel
drive gets you stuck farther from the pavement
The
girl of your dreams is unavailable except in print.
Every
man desires to live long, but none would be old.
After
all is said & done, usually more is said then done.
I call
things as I see them; If I didn't see them, I make them up!
Experience
is directly proportional to ruined equipment.
Politics
defined: Poli=many tics=blood suckers
No you
cannot call 911! . . . I'm downloading mail!
His
brain was sold separately and they were out of stock. þ
Insanity
is my only means of relaxation.
Every
cloud has a silver lining, every path has a puddle!
To
remain ignorant of the past is to become a victim of the future.
Technology
is not a cure for brain death.
Avoid
commas, that are not necessary!
If at first
you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A
conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For
every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates
is probably right.
Never
do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one
is listening until you make a mistake.
Success
always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The
colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The
hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The
severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To
succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two
wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is
accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
incompetence.
The
sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The
light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
It's
bad luck to be superstitious.
Deja
Moo: The feeling that you've heard this
bull before.
Marriage
is Grand...Divorce is 20 Grand...
Politics:
poly = many, ticks = blood sucking parasites