http://www.simonwrobinson.org/humor.shtml A Mason was telling a fellow Mason about the trouble he was having with his ritual. His friend said he knew a Brother down the road who sells parrots that know the ritual and then prompt you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop. After strict examination, the owner pulled a curtain to reveal three parrots. The first was wearing a Master's apron, the second had on a MM apron, and the third bore a Grand Lodge apron. "How much is the one with the Master's apron on?" "$6000. He knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck" "No, too expensive. What about the one with the MM apron on?" "Well, that one is only $3,000. He doesn't know the inner workings, but knows all the ritual and will always prompt you when learning." "No, still too much I'm afraid. What about the one wearing the Grand Lodge apron?" "Oh, I can let you have him for just 10 bucks!" "Why so cheap? He must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual alright. But when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and mutter 'Tut, tut, tut!'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left for the night. She said, "Honey, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting." "It was postponed." He replied. "The wife of the Generalisimo Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After receiving his enterred apprentice degree the candidate returned home. His wife asked him what happened to him. Recalling that he couldn't give up the secrets of that degree all he could muster was, "Well honey, there were a lot of walkers, talkers and preachers." With a somewhat confused look on her face she asked what he meant. He explained, "Well, I couldn't see anybody in the room and was guided around. I would stop then somebody would talk. Then I was guided around by someone else, was stopped, then somebody else talked." His wife then asked, "That explains the walkers and talkers ... what about the preachers?" He pondered for a moment then finally replied, "Well, often when somebody finished talking I would hear some other people whispering 'Oh, God!' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" It's a secret. Three or more. You need a Secretary to read the minutes of the last light bulb changing, a Master Mason to change the light bulb, and a Past Master to sit on the sideline and say "That isn't how we did it." Change it! My grandfather donated that light bulb! "How many Past Masters does it take to change a light bulb?" "Why change it...it always worked before?" 20, as follows: 2 to complain that the light doesn't work. 1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge. 3 to do a study on light in this Lodge. 2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use. 3 to argue about it. 5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb. 2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before." 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it. 1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?", he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columbus." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police officer, writing a speeding ticket: "I see by your car emblem that you are a Fast Master..." or Police officer, writing a speeding ticket: "I'm afraid you aren't going to make it to Ethiopia..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strangely since joining. I enquired in what way? "He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book." As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. "Oh fine was his reply." I asked him about his behavour and if there was anything wrong. "No", was his reply. "So why only read the book in the bathroom? "Well," he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house".... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bro. John and Bro. Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff?" John gives a quick look and whispers, "You remember the installation meeting last year?" Mike acknowledges and John goes on, "On the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely lady. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'em out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems one of our Past Masters went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Simon W Robinson". St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. The Master asked why the clocks were all out of sync. St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Oh, yours is in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen?!", asked the Master. "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Celestial Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill died first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice. "Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly "Pat! Its me, Bill!" Pat exclaimed, "Are you in Heaven?" "Indeed I am", said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the Table Lodge fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." "My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very wonderful! But for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter?" "Well, Pat, you are right, there is one thing... I have some good news and some bad news." "OK. Whats the good news?" "The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday." "Great!", said Pat. "So what's the bad news then?" "You're gonna be the Inside Sentinal! " -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A story that made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth". A Brother on a hunting trip in the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation went by without bagging a deer. On the last day, as he was about to give up in desperation, he heard a crashing in the woods and saw a glimpse of brown and fired. Silence. Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is protected from hunters to save it from extinction. As he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden stepped out into the clearing. Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position. "What shall we do with the body?" "Cover it, you damn fool," said the Warden, "and make your escape!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman. "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Mason is on a Business Trip. One day he comes to a small village, somewhere in the north of England. Our Brother is curious to know whether there is a Masonic Lodge or not, so he takes a walk through the village and after some time he finds a path called "Mason's Road". Thinking that the path might lead to the Masonic Temple, he follows it. At the end of the pathway he sees a building, which looks somewhat rotten and seems to have been out of use for quite a while. Our Brother tries to open the door and, surprisingly, it is not locked. He goes inside and finds dust and spider webs everywhere. In front a door there sits a skeleton, wearing an apron , a collar and holding a sword in its hand. "O my God", thinks our Brother and enters the Lodge room. In puzzlement, he sees skeletons with collars and aprons everywhere. The W.M., the Wardens, the Organist, Deacons - all skeletons. He looks around and goes to the seats of the Secretary and Treasurer. Under the hand of the Treasurer he finds a small piece of paper, a little note, which he seems to have passed to the Secretary. So our Brother picks up the note, blows away the dust and reads: "If nobody prompts the W.M., we will sit here forever!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him one, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can trully rely on him". Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?" "Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back." Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced." "Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him." So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned. "What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one." "Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!" Is your site listed yet? Masonic Humor Page http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Marathon/4223/humor.html -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. His reply: "I was learning to subdue my passions!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard of the Lodge that was holding its meetings in the ball room of the local hotel while its building was undergoing renovations? One night a traveling salesman asked the desk clerk who all those men going into the room were. The desk clerk replied "Oh, those are the Masons." The salesman said, "Oh, I've always wanted to join that lodge. Do you think they would let me in?" "Oh, no," said the clerk. "They're awful exclusive. Why, you see that poor guy standing outside the door with a sword? He's been knocking for six months and they still won't let him in!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "West Point Lodge #877." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master? "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Definitions: WORSHIPFUL MASTER Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God SENIOR WARDEN Leaps short buildings with a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God JUNIOR WARDEN Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind Is almost as powerful as a locomotive Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet Walks on water of a swimming pool Talks with God if special dispensation is given SENIOR DEACON Barely clears a garden hut Loses a tug-of-war with a train Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God JUNIOR DEACON Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by trains Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Doggie paddles Talks with the animals MARSHAL Runs into buildings Recognizes trains two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life vest Talks to walls STEWARD Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings Says "Look at the choo choo's" Wets himself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself SECRETARY Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the track Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance HE IS GOD ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?" "Indeed I am" said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to West Point Lodge. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." "My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter." "Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." "OK, so what's the good news?" "The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat. "What's the bad news then?" "You're the Senior Deacon!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow went for an interview for a job. Knowing that the Boss was a prominent Mason he decided to use his position as a newly raised MM to see if it would help him get the job. Off he went with Masonic ring, cufflinks, and S&C tie to the interview. He stood erect and took three steps forward to shake hands with the prospective boss. All though the interview he dropped into the conversation as many references to masonry that he could. At the end the Boss said, "So, if I offer you this position, what do you expect as a package?" The chap thought that his luck was on, and so he said, "A $350,000 per annum and six weeks holiday." To which the boss replied, "We will halve it, and you begin!" Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost. A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!" A Mason who was working up through the line of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said, "All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you? I wish I was a master!" After due thought, he said, "So do I dear, we swap them for a new one every year!!" One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did. When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turned up, etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home. The next day in the post she received 64 letters. I do not attend the meetings for I've not the time to spare. But every time they have a feast you will surely find me there. I cannot help with the degrees for I do not know the work. But I can applaud the speakers, and handle a knife and fork. I'm so rusty in the ritual, it seems like Greek to me. But practice has made me perfect in the Knife and Fork Degree. A man had just returned from an extended business trip and was feeling very amorous and wanting time alone with his wife. They convinced the older children to go to the movies. However, little Bobby refused to go along. Finally, Dad hit upon something to keep Bobby busy. He told Bobby that he would pay him $5.00 for every red hat that went by. Nevertheless, he had to sit on the curb to count the hats and that he would check on Bobby after awhile. After a short while Bobby ran into the house and began knocking on his parents bedroom door and began yelling: "DAD IF YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING SCREWED IN THERE YOU OUGHT TO COME OUTSIDE! THERE IS A SHRINERS CONVENTION GOING BY!" The local doctor was called to the house of the Senior Deacon whose wife was seriously ill. "Please doctor, save her," cried the Deacon. "I will pay anything, even if I have to sell everything I own." "But what if I cannot save her?" asked the doctor shrewdly. "I will pay you whether you cure her or kill her!" cried the Deacon. A week later the poor woman died. The doctor sent the Deacon a huge bill. The Deacon suggested they went to the Grand Lodge and let the Grand Secretary arbitrate and they would both be bound by the decision. This was agreed. The Grand Secretary who knew the doctors reputation asked, "What was the agreement?" "He agreed to pay me for treating his wife whether I cured her or killed her" "And did you cure her?" "No." "Did you kill her?" "Certainly not!" replied the doctor. Said the Grand Secretary, "Under what contract are you claiming your fees?"